15 yo-looking boys have no business being so good-looking. I swear I feel like a pedo and I would hate myself if I were a man. It's just unfair that when I was 15 I had no hot guys around whatsoever. Life is a bitch. I hate 2 thingz: 1) hot people 2) my brain that attributes nice personalities to them based on looks.

If there is no god, then who the hell sent me the Hybrid Callisthenics guy?

Basking in this disfunctional shit my family creates so effortlessly. Boi am I beyond repair or what. Jk, my lazy ass just won't do anything to change. The way I see it, my only option is to grow. Nobody says I won't relapse, but living like this feels like going nowhere. The real question is how much time I have in between relapses

Ok, I finished Life Is Strange 2 and am now experiencing a painful crush on Sean Diaz. Damn, girl. He looks very much like the guy I liked in 9th grade and it certainly doesn't help. Guess I just have to give it another week and it'll pass. Watched half of the first season of Succession, then it got boring with the whole therapy shit. Maybe I need to give it another shot, I've got 4 days until my subscription is over.

I feel like I should make more effort in communication. I have to remind myself to ask my family and friends how they're doing and how their day was. And the weird thing is that I think I learned that from American movies?? Because none of my family or friends seem to be doing this. It feels like a chore, but I guess it won't in a while, once I get used to it. If I don't force myself to show that I care, it seems that I don't. And it might hurt the people close to me. I'm not sure that I love them or even care, they're just around. And asking seems like the right thing to do. "I love you but I don't like you" bullshit, lol. Msybe I take my family and friends for granted, and that's why I cannot or won't admit that I love them

Nothing makes sense, I feel so dumb and hollow. The only permanent thing is the comfort of my bathrobe, sofa, and True Detective. You have to do something to achieve anything. Yet again I'm pushing my life away. I guess I hate McConaughey's character because it appeals to the exact thing he mentioned: feeling that everything matters. He is the character viewers are supposed to identify with, the misunderstood weirdo that unveiled the essence of life and acts like a cynical prick most of the time. I hate being coerced into thinking we might be alike. But I really feel that he has a point, which is awful, and probably is the reason or the effect of this sadness.
I feel like nothing matters anymore, like I'm bad at my job and there is nothing for me in the future. Which is dumb and probably not true

Finished Broadchirch last night. I haven't watched a lot of netflix originals, but the one's I have just seem so shallow. I dunno. These shows are just too obvious. Broadchirch too. I really liked this theme of healthy ways for men to show feelings or ask for other men's affection. I think it's worth discussing with someone (aaand I have noone to discuss it with, but nevermind that). Or just thinking about how the society denies men tendermess (for lack of a better word, I can't formulate it rn, need to think more) and how it might be one of the reasons why we end up with twisted and perverted men. It's all so hard to put into words without making men sound like weak creatures, devoid of any agency or will of their own. And the decorations around this idea are too cliche to my taste, but that's Netflix for you: they show exactly the reaction you're supposed expect from the characters, like close ups of people's faces crying after they hear some bad news, or annoyingly frequent slow motion. I got so focused on men that I've just realized there is another idea I liked in Broadchirch! Which is, can women (people in general, but I'd like to be more specific here as I'm talking about the sutuation in the series) be accused of not noticing things about their partners/husbands/kids/relatives. Does not knowing makes you guilty or accessory? Did you really not know or did you know somewhere deep inside, but could not face it? How much should (or even must) you care and interfere and control to prevent horrible things from happening?

Great. Now I have sleeping anxiety. Like everything else wasn't enough. I just want to be loved. Notebook: off the re-watch list. I'm grossed out by myself rn for being so cynical. But in every teary episode I was literally thinking how unreal this on-screen romance is. How Noah and Ally have no substantial connection or interests apart from the idea of the crazy love they are in. Consumed by it. But what's underneath when you scratch the first coat off? I couldn't see. Not that I did not cry my ass off. I've got to admit that watching their young love was refreshing, and it gave me a hope-like feeling. Not the creepy beginning of it though! I'm sorry, but in my world not even Ryan Gosling can get away with stalking or bullying, for lack of a better word. Crying surely helped.

I don't need him, not really. Not in an empowering bitchy way, not like yelling "I don't need no maaan" (commercial t-shirt feminism at its finest). I really don't need him as a person, an individual. And it scares the fuck out of me. Because now I can see that I didn't even like him. I just felt panicky and bored and lonely and scared. I didn't care about him. What he likes or cares about. I just felt this strange compass inside me, telling me when and what to do to please him. Like we were actors in a romcom scripted by someone else, not us. Like somebody told me I could do no better, because I never knew anything before. Now I just feel ashamed and fooled. I wish there is still someone out there who would genuinely care for me. But the real question is, can I care for this person, for anybody at all? Not just because I have no other options but to care (because it's rude not to or because people are supposed to care back??). Not automatically, like a puzzle fitting in. The next one on the list is Eternal Shining of the Spotless Mind. I hope I'll go full-on mental breakdown somewhere in the middle of this.

Watched Twilight last night. And I wish I didn't. This movie should've stayed where it belongs—in my 9th grade. On the same shelf of my memory as my nine-grade crushes. They have such horrific facial expressions in the movie, it is almost unbelievable. Bella is always twitching and blinking, like a confused hummingbird. Though I have to give her some credit: from a few episodes with her friends you can see that she is a solid good person. I mean, she does not play with the boys' feelings. Ah, that delusional teenage-girl-fiction world where every boy is in love with you! Where does it come from, seriously. Is this really the case? I don't remember that from my teenage years. I was more like a ”I'd rather die than look my crush in the eyes or admit I have any feelings for him” type in school. Not that it is much different now. Back to Bella—she helps her gurl pals get the boiz they want ("You're a strong, independent wonan!" I'm surprised this isn't ironic). Bella is also kinda witty. While Edward seems forever constipated. Anyway, it was a fun night.

Don't forget my newly-sprawled trust issues. Just perfect. I don't think I will be able to fuction like this anymore. Congrats on my first breakup. It wasn't really serious, but I feel betrayed and empty anyway. It's fascinating how sad songs make sense now.

You know shit's bad when you consider getting back together with your ex. I know it is stupid and won't even get me what I want (young adult book soppy kind of love basically, which does not exist in real life). I just feel so lonely tonight for no apparent reason. Or maybe it's just this new weird PMS. Kicking in just when I really started to believe I don't have it. Why.so many words all the time? I feel exhausted talking, trying to forward my meaning. Why can't I phrase anything? There are too many possibilities to misunderstand me. And I can't seem to overcome them. I just want to give up, it's too much for me.

Well, this is insane. I feel like a broken clock or something, the way horrid things make me smile. It's as if these two powerful, mirrored emotions get confused in my mind. And when I hear her insulting or teasing someone I smile, wanting to smash my fist into something. I want to scream and rage, but I can barely keep from laughing instead. It is interesting how their relationship can give me insight into my own relationship with her. And her relationship with her mother. I feel awful really, but I was entranced by her yelling. How different she can be. Maybe I'm just soft and that is why… what? Not that she doesn't treat me the same way whenever she wants. Only I can snap back at her or yell too. Now she just feels more dependent on me or sometimes even scared or inferior when it comes to devices and modern living, that's all. I feel sick.

A brand new persona, same old me still. Gotta stop telling strangers all about the ways my parents fucked me up. They didn't really, but still every parent does this in their own sweet way. In my case, it's all about how emotions and words have no sense at all. One moment you can be yelled at and cursed with the filthiest words, next you'll find yourself being proud of and loved (?). I believe that it should never be like that. The only permanent thing in the world being the will of a parent, I mean. Words need to mean what they mean. So now I often get confused or, which is way worse, indifferent about what people say. Do they really mean it or not? Sometimes I say horrible or stupid things on a whim. I don't mean them at all, they just somehow find a way to escape my mouth for no apparent reason. It really complicates things and enforces the inconsistecy.