I don't need him, not really. Not in an empowering bitchy way, not like yelling "I don't need no maaan" (commercial t-shirt feminism at its finest). I really don't need him as a person, an individual. And it scares the fuck out of me. Because now I can see that I didn't even like him. I just felt panicky and bored and lonely and scared. I didn't care about him. What he likes or cares about. I just felt this strange compass inside me, telling me when and what to do to please him. Like we were actors in a romcom scripted by someone else, not us. Like somebody told me I could do no better, because I never knew anything before. Now I just feel ashamed and fooled. I wish there is still someone out there who would genuinely care for me. But the real question is, can I care for this person, for anybody at all? Not just because I have no other options but to care (because it's rude not to or because people are supposed to care back??). Not automatically, like a puzzle fitting in. The next one on the list is Eternal Shining of the Spotless Mind. I hope I'll go full-on mental breakdown somewhere in the middle of this.