I don't need him, not really. Not in an empowering bitchy way, not like yelling "I don't need no maaan" (commercial t-shirt feminism at its finest). I really don't need him as a person, an individual. And it scares the fuck out of me. Because now I can see that I didn't even like him. I just felt panicky and bored and lonely and scared. I didn't care about him. What he likes or cares about. I just felt this strange compass inside me, telling me when and what to do to please him. Like we were actors in a romcom scripted by someone else, not us. Like somebody told me I could do no better, because I never knew anything before. Now I just feel ashamed and fooled. I wish there is still someone out there who would genuinely care for me. But the real question is, can I care for this person, for anybody at all? Not just because I have no other options but to care (because it's rude not to or because people are supposed to care back??). Not automatically, like a puzzle fitting in. The next one on the list is Eternal Shining of the Spotless Mind. I hope I'll go full-on mental breakdown somewhere in the middle of this.

Watched Twilight last night. And I wish I didn't. This movie should've stayed where it belongs—in my 9th grade. On the same shelf of my memory as my nine-grade crushes. They have such horrific facial expressions in the movie, it is almost unbelievable. Bella is always twitching and blinking, like a confused hummingbird. Though I have to give her some credit: from a few episodes with her friends you can see that she is a solid good person. I mean, she does not play with the boys' feelings. Ah, that delusional teenage-girl-fiction world where every boy is in love with you! Where does it come from, seriously. Is this really the case? I don't remember that from my teenage years. I was more like a ”I'd rather die than look my crush in the eyes or admit I have any feelings for him” type in school. Not that it is much different now. Back to Bella—she helps her gurl pals get the boiz they want ("You're a strong, independent wonan!" I'm surprised this isn't ironic). Bella is also kinda witty. While Edward seems forever constipated. Anyway, it was a fun night.

Don't forget my newly-sprawled trust issues. Just perfect. I don't think I will be able to fuction like this anymore. Congrats on my first breakup. It wasn't really serious, but I feel betrayed and empty anyway. It's fascinating how sad songs make sense now.

You know shit's bad when you consider getting back together with your ex. I know it is stupid and won't even get me what I want (young adult book soppy kind of love basically, which does not exist in real life). I just feel so lonely tonight for no apparent reason. Or maybe it's just this new weird PMS. Kicking in just when I really started to believe I don't have it. Why.so many words all the time? I feel exhausted talking, trying to forward my meaning. Why can't I phrase anything? There are too many possibilities to misunderstand me. And I can't seem to overcome them. I just want to give up, it's too much for me.